Having a child with ODD is not unlike carting a dark storm cloud with you everywhere you go. Imagine if Eeyore liked to break things and make people cry. I have a son like that. He doesn’t want to be this way. Except when he does. He acts like a child who is tortured by himself. Because he is.
What is ODD? Other than being a painfully ironic acronym, it is a behavioral condition called Oppositional Defiance Disorder. In the past, I would have looked at that diagnosis and with a very self-righteous sneer say that it sounded like a fancy name for a snotty kid whose parents didn’t properly discipline.
But guess what? I read the parenting books (pretty much all of them); I disciplined in love from the beginning and to no avail. So here is my public apology to all of those parents with kids wearing some kind of acronym attached to their identity. ODD, ADD, ADHD, OCD. It’s a whole alphabet of pain and I am so so sorry that I judged good mothers and fathers because their children have legitimate mental health disabilities. Mental health disabilities. That is what they are. This is not a “good kid”/”bad kid” issue. This is a matter of loving the unlovable because they are uniquely challenged by the Creator. It’s a matter of doing hard things.
This is also an apology to all of those who have and do and will judge my parenting based on the external behavior of my unique son. I’m sorry for my anger and embarrassment. It’s really difficult to see a kid act the way mine does and not wonder at the source of that type of behavior. It’s a natural reaction. I get it. When I see a child having an ugly tantrum on the floor of the grocery store, my first instinct is to assess his mom. With cold precision I decide, based on no fact at all, that she is unfit because apparently I can see into her soul.
Now that that is out of the way I will get more clinical. The WebMd definition of ODD is “a pattern of disobedient, hostile, and defiant behavior toward authority figures.” This condition has, in the past, been linked primarily to poor parenting and/or traumatic childhoods but studies have shown that there are actually biological and hereditary factors that can cause it. Brain development issues and sensory problems are believed to result in ODD and other conditions. I can tell you that my son who suffers from this (and I mean suffers quite literally) was born with his fist to the sky. He screamed endlessly as a baby, was an angry toddler and continues to be a very sullen, angry person. From the beginning, loving family members and friends have gently suggested that he may have mental handicaps. I couldn’t hear of it. I struggled with depression for the majority of my childhood and the thought of my own baby struggling with mental health was more than I wanted to face. My selfish desire to ignore the plain truth that there is something wrong with my boy has led to years of pain.
This is the year we get our heads fully out of the clouds and face the fact that we have not been properly treating this problem like a medical issue that needs attention from medical professionals. I have pursued it lightly in the past only to shrink away in fear after receiving his first diagnosis. But perfect love casts out fear. There isn’t a place for it in our family. We sold our things, quit jobs and in a whirlwind moved from California to Massachusetts in order to get our little Jack the life giving treatments he needed from Boston Children’s Hospital. He is stable now but our son who struggles with mental illness is still struggling. We are ready and willing to do whatever it takes to help our boy toward wellness.
I will be documenting our journey toward getting help for our son in the hopes that others with similar situations may be encouraged. I also want to dispel myths about the condition. Primarily the myth that they are bad kids who are products of bad parenting. Here is the thing: he was born this way. I am standing on my soap box right up on my tippy toes with bleary eyes and a loud voice saying with certainty that he was absolutely born this way. He has been my tormented child from the beginning and no one on this planet is more intimate with his struggles than I am. He is a daddy’s boy through and through but it has been me who has helped him fight himself day in and day out. It was me who held him while he screamed till vomiting because of wild night terrors year after year. Me, who cradled him as he told me of the bad man who lived in his bedroom walls and wanted to hurt him. I was the one who had to apologize to countless parents because he bit and hurt their children. I am the one who has had to protect my other children from his fits of blind rage. I know my son. He needs help and this is the year that he gets it. No more fear.
What about you, dear friend? Do you or your loved one struggle with mental illness? I hope you can join me in making 2018 the year that we seek to bring to light the darkness that clouds our minds.
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8 Comments
Samantha
January 28, 2018 at 8:41 amHi Amy,
Your family is so brave! So much to battle. I know nothing of your situation or your diagnosis, but I believe you, because I’m the mom at home too. As you pursue this journey, I wonder if you have already looked into the spiritual side of it. Can I be a little bold too? The casting out demons side of spiritual. Proclaiming, and helping him proclaim, the truth of who he is in Jesus DESPITE the lies of the enemy who tortures him; DESPITE the night terrors. If he is tortured, it is by something. Can I suggest playing worship music while he sleeps? I know David playing the harp for King Saul gave him relief. I know there is a physical part to all this. I’m not suggesting it all goes away with music and prayer. Just another suggestion to add to the list of something to try that may hopefully bring some amount of relief. Prayers coming your way.
Amy M
January 28, 2018 at 2:15 pmI believe that Satan preys on our weaknesses. We are forever praying over and reading the Psalms over our son, especially at night. Worship music is often playing on Pandora ALL night 😯. You are so right, I think, in recognizing the spiritual component here. And I totally agree.
Sue OConnell
January 28, 2018 at 6:59 pmAmy, as a mother with a child with ADHD I have watched him suffer too. My feelings fluctuated from intense love (he has such a sweet heart) to frustration with him,myself and mostly with an educational system who failed us dramatically, to utter exhaustion. There’s absolutely no easy way through. I had to similarly repent of my judgment of other parents. Now in a store or a restaurant I send a sympathetic smile or say something encouraging because my heart breaks for those parents. I’m with you sister
Amy M
February 5, 2018 at 11:49 pmIt is so good to know that there are other great people who have been through all of this. Blessings!
Rhonda Kelly
February 5, 2018 at 9:00 pmAmy,
You know very well the struggles we have faced with our children over the years…multiple children with one or more mental health disorders. It hasn’t helped that I suffer from depression and a major anxiety disorder myself. It took me a very long time to accept this fact (both for myself and mostly for my children), but the sooner it is faced and treated the better his chances are of learning to live a healthy life in spite of his disorder. He can learn ways to manage his symptoms and focus his life in a positive direction.
I gave up my pride a very long time ago about this. For each child, I dealt with a unique set of issues, and searched every corner of my world until I found someone who knew how to help (in some cases more successfully than others). I have heard it all…they are “spoiled”; we do not discipline them enough (once it was even suggested that my child needed his rebellion beat out of him); they did/did not need medication; they need deliverance from possession by evil spirits, etc. In the case of my non-biological children, I was often told what a “great person” I was because I hung in there when I really wasn’t obligated to continue to be their parent (!!!???)
I am glad that you are facing this diagnosis with courage and a willingness to do whatever it takes to get him there…I know I was one of those people that gently (I hope) tried to ask you if you had thought about a diagnosis of some sort for your son…and the one he has received makes sense. I also know how patient you and his father have been in dealing with this most difficult of situations.
Just know that there is someone out there that knows a great deal about how to help you with your own unique situation, you just have to find them. And that I am in your corner all the way…anything I can do to help, let me know. Prayers, love, and belief in all of you coming your way…and help finding resources for your precious boy (if you want). No unsolicited advice, or questioning of your ability as a parent, or unprofessional diagnosis attached…
Love,
Rhonda
Amy M
February 5, 2018 at 11:48 pmOf all people, I totally know that you are in my corner. And for the record I really love your special kids. You love them so well.
susan
April 12, 2018 at 3:36 pmI have dealt with depression and anxiety for most of my life. My son started exhibiting signs of anxiety and depression and at first, I felt sad and overwhelmed that he would have to deal with the same thing I did and it sort of paralyzed me. It seemed so unfair… I wanted to be in denial. I started wondering why it is that someone who has gone through those hard places wouldn’t be more willing to jump right in and support their child. I think it’s hard for a parent who has walked those roads to see their mirror image in their child & like you said, the fact that we have to admit there’s something wrong. I love the scripture you used here, “Perfect love casts out fear.” It’s so true, there comes a place where you stop fearing and start seeking hope and help for your child without fear. I love that we can be the greatest advocate for our “misunderstood” children. Thank you, Amy, for writing about your family and your unique boy.
Amy M
April 15, 2018 at 3:58 pmMental health is such a complex struggle. It is such a blessing to others who struggle with anxiety and depression that you are transparent about your struggles. Bringing our pain into the light is the best way to heal and to show others that path of healing. Blessings to you!