When our two year old was first diagnosed with severe congenital heart disease, I was shaken to the core. Everything that I had once taken for granted suddenly became transient. I changed from thinking that I had things under control. I learned how wildly out of my control everything really is.
When Jack was diagnosed with his second and most lethal heart disease I became seized with the fear of ever having another child. The idea of going through all of the pain we had experienced snuffed my dreams of having a big family and replaced them with a boat load of fear. Many of you know that life with a special needs child comes with so much stress and difficulties that the very idea of throwing another child into the mix seems depressing. Raising children ain’t no joke. Add a critical disease to the mix and suddenly you have constant doctors appointments, hospitizations, debt, fear … Fear.
When I found out that I was pregnant it was crushing and terrifying. It wasn’t the news I wanted. How in the world can we fit a new baby into our already upside down world?
Have you ever gotten a Christmas present that you never knew you wanted but it turned out to be the best thing ever? Some time ago my husband, who had a really bad track record for gift giving, got me a birthday present. I braced myself for another bizarre gift I would have to pretend to like when I suddenly unveiled a thing I never knew I desperately wanted. An electric blanket. I am always cold, always. My husband knew that and went out and bought me a big ol electric blanket. I was so excited! Best. Gift. Ever. The best think was that he knew what I wanted better then I did. That made me feel loved and known.
Now I sit here with a tiny new baby sleeping serenely beside me. I didn’t know I wanted to have another child so badly until God gave him to me. I couldn’t have known how much joy this new life could bring to my broken heart until I held my fourth son in my arms for the first time. God gave me a gift he knew that I needed. I now have four incredible and unique boys all so very different from one another. My family is complete and that fear I was nursing of accepting another life into the family and potentially going through the same pain we have endured with baby Jack has vanished.
God is the father who knows how to give perfect gifts and the mother who holds my hand and quiets my soul.
“But I have calmed and quieted my soul like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me.” Psalm 131:2
16 Comments
Sandy Carson
August 10, 2015 at 3:50 pmBeautiful….again 🙂
Amy M
August 10, 2015 at 5:13 pmThank you, Sandy!
Elspeth
August 10, 2015 at 4:21 pmThis is beautiful, Amy. I am so happy for your family!
Amy M
August 10, 2015 at 5:14 pmThanks, Elspeth! I guess I’ve joined the four kids club like you 🙂
Celia Jolley
August 10, 2015 at 4:50 pmO Amy, your words are so rich.
Amy M
August 10, 2015 at 5:13 pmThanks, Celia, your blog inspires me to use pretty words to spill my guts 🙂
Jessica Morris
August 10, 2015 at 5:52 pmSuch amazing words and truth…you put to words what I’ve never quite been able to express about my own 4th baby boy!
Thank you!
Amy M
August 11, 2015 at 1:18 pmJessica they should make a special vacation package for moms of four boys. A testosterone detox cruz to Hawaii. Your boys are completely darling and I remember your hesitance when you found out about your little guys hemophilia, it’s wonderful that God gave you four boys 🙂
Sarah mcfadyen
August 10, 2015 at 11:02 pmBeautifully written as always. You seem to have this wonderful gift of making me laugh and cry all in the same sentence. I love you and miss you all, and hope to meet your newest bundle of joy someday:-)
Amy M
August 11, 2015 at 1:15 pmSarah, I so hope we can hang out and watch our kids play together again. I miss your sweet company and easy laugh.
Heather
August 11, 2015 at 5:11 amBeautiful Amy, just beautiful.
Amy M
August 11, 2015 at 1:14 pmThanks Heather.
Christi Sterle
June 11, 2016 at 3:59 pmThat is beautiful, Amy. I cried through my forth pregancy. I was in a very tough marriage and had a toddler that got into everything, along with a child in kindergarten and another in second grade. I did not know how I would manage another child! I was exhausted during the pregancy; I was exhausted his first year. I actually went to work, just to get some rest, as being at home and carpooling kids across town to school, helping to run a business, and taking care of two at home was so challenging…..
But I knew at my core that God would not test me beyond what I thought I could bare unless he had a very good reason. And fifteen years later, that little baby was a tall, gangly 15 year old who was the only one in the family who was able to save the life of my firstborn son. Michael was diagnosed with AML leukemia, that he got from his job in the Air Force. We almost lost him, but he was diagnosed just in time, when I made him go off base to get tested. And the Air Force kicked in and got him a great treatment. And his baby brother had just the right genetic material to repair what had been damaged.
So now, ten years later, I still have my four kids. And now–God has also added 3 grandbabies. The doctors said that Michael could never father children, but they did not talk to God about that, and He had other ideas! Michael’s children are now 7 and 4, and beautiful. We are really blessed. My children are all walking with God, and learned some critical lessons, watching their brother in the hospital for all those months….they learned to cherish each other. They learned to take time with each other. They learned to pray hard, and choose carefully, and walk in wisdom. To cry when they need to, laugh whenever possible, and love those around them. I pray these things for your children, too, because they have been very, very big blessings, that came out of very, very hard days.
Amy M
June 12, 2016 at 12:51 amWhat an incredible testimony of God’s sovereignty over our lives. By His grace, Michael is now a constant reminder of the frailty of life and how vital it is to cherish every single moment of it. Thank you for sharing this story, it is exactly these stories that need to be told on the rooftops. We are healed! And some of us are touched more intimately by that healing. Your prayers are what fuels our family. Thank you!
Jenn C
March 7, 2017 at 6:06 pmAmy, this is so beautiful. We love you and your herd of boys (and Andrew, too). It took me the first year of Man Cub’s life to think a second might be doable. Your four amaze me. Blessings!
Amy M
March 11, 2017 at 11:14 amJenn, we sure do have a herd but I tell you the truth, if we didn’t keep having birth control babies and surprise babies we would not have so many. Taking the plunge and having more is a tough decision and God often just makes it for us.